It’s been a while. I spent the entire week belittling my self and my abilities. I spent it murmuring and complaining, whispering silent prayers and hoping.
For someone who tries to blog about positive things, I’m a very negative person. The demons that I battle with!
On Wednesday, my friend had a birthday party. We all got together and took beautiful pictures. In the fun-filled moment, a friend that I love so much said something that made me feel so bad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Someone else would let it go, but not me. It went through my bone marrows and tore my soul open. When my soul split open all my flaws came crumbling down and I couldn’t forgive myself. I would wonder why no one said something positive about me. I told my self that night that I was a terrible human being and someone who was difficult to love. I was sad. I wished I was someone else that night.
Yesterday, I had a company law test. I had studied for this test diligently, Ignoring social media and even forgetting to charge my phone. The question was : The common law principle for pre-incorporation contract is an albatross to the promoter. Do you agree. Discuss.
I wrote what I assumed was necessary. It was time to pass the scripts and because I was sitting at the edge I had the opportunity to glance at people’s scripts before submitting and when I saw detailed scripts – someone actually started with the definition of a company…for a test of thirty minutes. I DIED WITHIN.
I began telling myself I was an ode. Couldn’t answer common question and when I remembered I forgot the case of KELNER V BAXTER – no I didn’t forget, I wrote TYLER V BAXTER – I DIED AGAIN.
Today I said I will cook. Plantain porridge. I told my roommate to help me buy plantain when coming back from mass. She did, but because they weren’t ripe I decided to cook them tomorrow. But for some reasons, I changed my mind and said I’ll cook them this evening. There was no ugu to make it more appetizing but I waved it off. When I came back from the kitchen rendezvous I began complaining – ahh, it’s too spicy. Jisos! It’s too watery! My God! No ugu! I can’t even prepare a perfect plantain porridge.
My roommate was obviously observing all these and calmly she said :
CHIMDINMA, you should learn to hype yourself.
After she said that, I could hear Rupi Kaur whispering to me
the way you speak of yourself
the way you degrade yourself into smallness