You started the new year with a big bang. You were in love. Not the everyday and everyone kind of love. You were deeply in love. Yours was special. Genuine. Pure. Bliss. New Romance. Gaining roots, slowly but surely.
You pick up your phone and text all the wonderful things. And your heart skipped twenty beats when you get the reply – the reassurance of a love that would endure forever. With that smile you walk to the room and you have yourself a good sleep.
You were very sure that this love would surmount all mountains and all imperfections. There’s no manual on how to stay in love. But you were willing to learn. Being with someone that is not YOU could be daunting, but you were willing to push. You were in love.
You had your flaws. Your imperfections were glaring, obvious, extremely annoying. But you were willing to change.
You would always ask : What can I do to be a better person for you? Tell me about my flaws and wrongs.
The truth they say is bitter, but you swallow it, for him. For you.
You who always hated pain. But you felt pain in the worst way possible. Pain they say is the great equalizer, it demands to be felt. You felt pain. You felt your heart break into tiny pieces. You felt your heart stop.
Apparently, the world is not a wish granting factory.
It hit you hard. Terribly hard. After you heard those words :
I need to let you go and gain more experience. You are childish and immature. You make me miserable. I had so much resentment for you after the fight.
It puzzled you; the ability of romantic love to mature, how quickly a loved one could become a stranger. Where did the love go?
You let your self feel the pain. The tears that continued deep into the night. Insomnia became your middle name. You became A WALKING-LIVING-EMOTIONALLY-DEAD-ROBOTIC YOUNG LADY. You hated the lights, you just wanted to wallow in the darkness that engulfed your room in the night. The Anger, when you think about the manipulations. The sadness, how something as special as what you gave him could he thrown away so easily. The complete trust you gave up. The embarrassment ; you believed you were not good enough. If he rejected you, who would ever want you? The fear ; You may never feel this way ever again. And this fear is what would haunt you for a very long time.
Feelings are just fleeting on the surface. But emotions, they’re very deep, primal, they linger.
You go ahead. You allow yourself feel.
“He is with someone else now” you hear.
Those words made you fall into more despair. It was less than two months.
You knew you had to let go. It was a daily struggle but you tried anyway. You never stopped.
You began with your morning runs. Blocking your ears, running every morning and letting yourself just be. You and the air and the sweat and the music. It helped. It cleared your head.
You tried not to think about the WHY anymore. You realized, there’s no logic to the affairs of the heart.
You decide not to reach out anymore. You tell yourself you’re WORTHY of the most fantastic love and you promised not to look back, not even for a second.
It took you months. You wanted all the time in the world to HEAL.
It was in this mess that you found yourself. You learnt you could create a life that you wanted regardless of the circumstances. You learnt that this brokenness between you is happening for a reason.
You began to think better. You grew up so fast. You WROTE more. Writing saved you. Writing was your therapy. You began to wonder like Graham Greene, how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.
There was no stopping you. You screwed the missing piece. You became a whole piece. There were no more gaps to fill. You made up your mind to never rely on someone to make you feel complete. You should complete yourself, you learnt. You would never let someone take on that responsibility that you need to do for yourself.
Deep trauma always leads the way to deep joy. The goal was for you to take your own hands and fight like a banshee to make it be happy, in spite of the heartache you’ve experienced.
Through it all you learnt you must forgive and heal. So you can love again.
You learn that the emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it. And before the end of the year, that fear that made you feel as though you may never feel such love again disappeared. You felt it. With this one.
So you resolved, like Ucheoma that you will love slowly, with raised eyebrows and unsure footsteps. You’d tiptoe around the beautiful gardens of this one’s heart, cautious of explosives. You will love this one sceptically, with only one eye closed in sleep, you will feed on your love like an ajebo poking at her suya with toothpick, pretending it is the most peppery thing she has ever eaten.
But each time you kiss this one, with your eyes shut dreamily , you are all there…your presence so concentrated , you are nowhere but there with this one. You sneak a peak at this one’s face and let your eyes down and your guards too.
Because that’s what love does to you, IT MAKES YOU VULNERABLE!
You broke and became whole. You were broken but today you’re valuable and beautiful. You broke, yes, but that’s the only way the lights could get in. You became more beautiful for having been broken. Your true life began the moment you were dropped…
Despite everything – disappointments and humiliations – hope still lives on within you. It is from the dirty and nauseating humus that the green plant sprouts into life, and You can feel new buds springing up within you.
You found yourself.
And that is everything.
You ended the year with a BANG!
You fell in love with yourself!
Others loved you genuinely!
Without you trying!
And that is everything!